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- When the ACUPUNISHER was just a baby her parents were visited by a wise old woman who told them that their daughter was born to greatness and would be a healer. “But,” she warned, “you must beware of her dark side as well.” Sure enough the wise woman’s words have come true: by day the ACUPUNISHER is a mild mannered, but highly effective acupuncturist, knitter of scarves, and mother of 2 who heals people of their pain. But at night her shadow side emerges. The ACUPUNISHER must extract Qi, the life force of mortals, from her many insidious enemies. The ACUPUNISHER is a queen of pain, driving her needles deep and twisting them mercilessly into her evil victims. You may recognize the names of some of the scoundrels she has stolen Qi from: Ronald Reagan, Slobodan Milosevic, Crusty the Clown, Paris Hilton, and the original shark from Jaws, among many others.
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- Tank Grrrl is tank driving, hard living, outlaw who has traveled back to the year 2011 to prevent the Apocalypse and stop the evil frackers aka Water & Power from owning all of the planets clean water! Shes a post-apocalyptic water warrior hell bent destroying anyone that gets in her way!
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- Meanie was born on the right side of the camel tracks in 1169 AD to a fabulously wealthy Sultan and his 12th (and favorite) wife. Tired of being shown up by her goody-two-slippers sister Jeannie, Meanie took Daddy’s money and skipped down the sandstorm-strewn path of hedonistic delight and magic carpet burns. Some believe she has superhuman powers– (there was that one time she out-drank Aladdin and the forty thieves) and some believe that she is just “a plain ol’ total bitch.” You won’t catch her calling anybody “Master”, the only Major she knows is Major Attitude, and you will NOT lock her up in any stuffy old bottle, thank you very much. Coming to you straight off the hazy fumes of 1001 Arabian all-nighters, Meanie Genie appears before you tonight with her ladies in waiting….who never wait to party!
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- Her Holiness was born in a small town in upstate New York. This town became famous because of its cement which as used on the Brooklyn Bridge and the foundation of Lady Liberty. After spending 14 years behind bars for crimes that the local cement assisted in Her Holiness decided it was time to “see the Light” and decided to dedicate her life to the ultimate supreme power. That and the parole board refused to release me if I was unwilling to be rehabilitated. So I am now dedicating my life to spreading the message from the ultimate supreme power.
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- The year is 1972. Farrah and her girls have successfully broken conventional gender barriers and completed their academy training as police officers. But Farrah and the girls have quickly grown weary of directing traffic for school children for the LAPD. In a fortunate turn of events, they were recruited by a mysteriously savvy Charlene Townsend to work as private investigators, now known as Charlenes Angels- ready for duty at a moments notice. Tonight Farrah has been called upon for a different kind of assignment, but nonetheless plans to break something else- that is, her opponents arm.
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- Dahlia Earnhardt is a third-generation stock car racer who learned to drive before she could walk. In fact, racing is so integral to the Earnhardt clan that legend has it that Dahlia was born in the back seat of a rocket car travelling at 720 mph. This speed, compounded with the 41.3 mph at which she exited her mother’s birth canal caused her to break the sound barrier and cause a sonic boom upon her entry into the world. She was sponsored at the age of six, and has been driving the #8 Vagisil car ever since. As an aside, she also won the NASCAR Beauty Pageant, squarely defeating Danica Patrick, who was the only other contestant. Having won first in every stock car racing circuit in the world in just two years, she applied her skills to the racing of other vehicles, such as go-carts, bicycles, and donkeys. Naturally, her finely honed racing skills granted her by her Earnhardt DNA allowed her to take first in all those sports too. So now that she has proven herself the greatest racer that has ever lived, she’s moving on to a new sport: arm wrestling. Although she’s never done anything but race, she’s used to winning, and will approach this tournament with the same tenacity and grit that she’s famous for.
